Skills to improve communication
I am sure that most people can relate to feeling like when a conflict comes up, it gets you nowhere. There are ways to have productive conflict and feel like you accomplished something at the end of the conversation. We all have to remember it is okay to have conflict, it is normal, two different people, with two different positions on a topic. There are ways to have productive and unproductive conflict. Here are some advanced, but easy skills to help communicate during conflict better.
TAKE TURNS - Each person in a conflict needs to have space to talk. So establishing boundaries where each person gets 10 minutes to be the speak on rotating basis.
FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON - “You always leave the toilet seat up,” verses “ I feel frustrated when the toilet seat is left up.” Same idea communicated in two completely different ways. The first statement the person is being blamed, where in the second statement the problem is being addressed. It is helpful to separate the person from the actual problem when aiming for productive communication. In the first statement people will feel on the defense and want to arguing back instead of hearing the issue at hand.
BE ON THE SAME TEAM- no matter the issue, there is no value in being right or wrong if you are truly on the same team as your partner. What are you proving by being right? I know this can be a difficult concept for people to grab onto but it holds a lot of value when it is comes to conflict. watch the “You” language and change it to “We” language.
DEMONSTRATE UNDERSTANDING - Just because you understand your partner and how they are feeling does not mean you are agreeing with them. “ I understand how that can be frustration.” These are your partners feels so there is no “right” or “wrong” feelings. This is an opportunity to validate your partners emotions.
ACTIVE LISTENING- Sometimes in arguments it feels like we are talking in circles and that is because people arent feeling heard and understood. So it addition to demonstrating understanding another tool is activity listen. Most people in argument are so eager to get their point across they forget to truly listen to their partner. So slow down, restate what you partner just said, summarize it, paraphrase. This is a game changer.